What I Learned in Kindergarten.

I have gotten a true education in the last two weeks.

I was a substitute teacher’s aid in kindergarten… for two whole weeks. It’s been fun. It’s been hard. It’s been entertaining. And, as I said, educational.

I never went to kindergarten (and somehow, I still managed to get a decent score on my ACT). These two weeks have been my first real kindergarten experience. And boy, did I have a lot to learn.

The hot pink crayon is NOT the same thing as the red crayon. And if you try to pass it off as the same, you will be harshly scorned, and then shunned by all who witnessed the attempted deceit.

If a child has an unidentified red substance on any part of their body, the first thing you should ask is, “is that red marker, or blood?” If it is marker, you should ask, “what were you drawing on??” If it is blood, you should ask, “is that your blood, or someone else’s?”

Lollipops = currency.

If a child tells you a story about seeing a scary movie that makes them afraid to use the bathroom (because of all the spiders that are surely lurking there), immediately check their pants. If it is not too late, rush them to the bathroom and insist that they use it, no matter how scared they are.

If you tell five or six-year-old boys that they can draw “anything,”  the pictures are going to include someone getting arrested, injured, falling into a pit of “hot laba” (lava), or an epic battle (for example, Optimus Prime vs. an octopus).

A “capital E” and a “big E” are not the same thing. One is what you begin a sentence with, and one covers your entire writing page.

The longest pencil in the basket is the best one. It doesn’t matter if it’s so dull that you can’t write with it. This rule is void if there happens to be one blue pencil mixed in with the 17 black ones. Then, of course, the blue pencil is the best… even if it’s so short you can’t hold on to it.

If both the longest pencil and the blue pencil are already taken, it will take at least 10 minutes to sort through the rest of the pencils and find The. Perfect. One.
(three minutes later, it will lose it’s perfectness and the sorting has to be re-done).

If you consume any kind of candy, dessert, or soda, “sugar bugs” will get into your mouth. Then, your teeth will fall out and you will die. (this one surprised me a lot)

Don’t touch another man’s property. Don’t sit in another man’s chair. Don’t color on another man’s picture. Don’t eat another man’s snack. And for goodness, goodness sake, don’t put your math paper in another man’s mailbox.

If one paper sailboat is made, fourteen more must follow. Quickly. It doesn’t matter if there is only one person making them; that individual needs to turn into a full-sized boat-making factory immediately.

Snow was made to eat. And for creating giant hills to slide down. Those are the only uses for it.

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