A car funeral is not necessary (yet).

Once upon a  time, there were two girls who had lots of adventures.

I promised my friend Kelsey that I would start this blog that way, because this blog is about her. Sometimes people get the two of us mixed up, which is a phenomenon neither of us understand. We both have blonde hair, though it is different shades. We are the same height, and we both have eyes and noses. But there, the similarities end.

But this is not a blog about how similar Kelsey and I are. This is a blog about how awesome Kelsey and I are… and the wonderful adventures that we have together. They come often, they come regularly, and they are always fantastic and include lots of laughing.

Kelsey is a wonderful person. She always has good ideas, like Maple Bacon Popcorn and Oobleck. Sometimes her good ideas involve rockets and telescopes (she loves space). She’s going to be a teacher when she graduates, and she’ll be the best teacher ever. When my kids are in fifth grade, I’m going to move to wherever she is so that she can teach them.

A few days ago, Kelsey, me, and our friend Rylee went to Wal-Mart. We needed some things… food, I believe. I remember that I, specifically, needed an avacado (to make guacamole with, which is a staple ingredient of my sandwhich that I eat in Christian Theo every Monday and Wednesday). We had to be “speedy, but not super speedy,” according to Kelsey, because she had to be back in time for a meeting with her boss. And so, we speedily zoomed through Wal-Mart, collecting food and yarn and other exciting things.

And then, it was time to leave Wal-Mart, and move on to bigger, better things… things like getting gas for Simon, Kelsey’s car. Simon is a Honda Civic. He was born in 1995, which makes him a bit older than the Klunker. He and the Klunker are best friends, though… they are similar, like me and Kelsey… they are both small and klunky and old. But one is white, and one is black, so like me and Kelsey, they are different, too.

Simon pulled up to the tank, Kelsey got out, and filled him up. While that was happening, I discovered just how complicated Simon’s radio is… when I tried to turn up the volume, I changed the radio station, the frequency, and what seemed to be the time on the clock, all at once. I desperately tried to remedy the situation while Rylee sat unhelpfully in the back, reading a book.

Suddenly, Simon was full, and Kelsey got back in the car. “I didn’t mean to!” I told her, gesturing to the radio. She sighed, put her key in the ignition, and turned.

Simon did not start.

We looked at each other, concerned. She tried again.

Still, Simon sat there, cold and lifeless, with us inside.

“Simon appears to be dead,” I told her.

“Oh no!” she cried. “Simon! Come back to me!”


Just as I was about to get out of the car, pop the hood and perform CPR, Kelsey said, “maybe his battery is dead!”

And so, we launched an investigation. The dome lights still turned on… although very dimly. The clock was operational, but dim. The car was definitely not turning on.

“Who can we call for help?” Kels asked. Upon remembering that neither of the guys we spend time with regularly is particularly knowledgeable about cars, she leaned back in frustration. “Our boys are USELESS!” she groaned.

I swallowed my laughter and suggested that we try to push-start the car. It was a technique that JP had told us about. We didn’t know details about it, which was a problem… but I really wanted to try. The rumor was that if you get a manual car in neutral and rolling, you could start it. However, we were unsure if this really worked… and we definitely did not know details. I was afraid to get out and just start pushing on Simon… it seemed like a bad idea.

We sat for a moment, pondering the situation. We needed a jump. but unfortunately, no one around us looked friendly. In fact, the people walking around outside were quite scary looking… every single one.

Suddenly, we remembered that Kelsey had a meeting to get back to. And we didn’t have her phone… she had left it behind. This set me on a mission to get the phone number of the person she was supposed to meet with. I called one person to get another person’s number to get another person’s number to call her… but was cut off part way through when I encountered a voicemail.

In the meantime, we recalled that our friend Kristin was at Walmart! We had seen her when we were in there. Rylee called her, hoping she hadn’t left yet… and luck was with us (for once)! Kristin rushed over, and, climbing out of her car, informed us that she had no idea how to jump a car. “It’s okay!” said Kelsey. “I do! And I have jumper cables! I’m kind of manly like that.”

She popped the hoods, and started to hook stuff up while I hid behind the car. I don’t like jumping cars. It scares me. The amount of electricity and such involved just seems like a bad idea. This may fall into the “fear of the unknown” category… the extent of my knowledge about cars is how to check the oil, and how to put gas in them.

It wasn’t until Simon was prepped for his operation that the one kindly old man on the property showed up and desperately tried to help. Once Kelsey demonstrated to him that she was, indeed, proficient in car-jumping, he decided to leave us alone, his moment of chivalry complete.

Simon was hooked up. Kelsey prepared to work her magic. “CLEAR!” she called, and we sent the first burst of electricity to Simon’s heart. Kristin started her car. Simon sputtered to life. We rejoiced.

And then, we quickly climbed in him and drove away before he could change his mind and return to his dead state of being.

Perhaps I lied. This post was as much about Simon as Kelsey. Maybe next time I will tell about our adventures at the Sprint store(s). It was exciting. I promise.


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